These days, just wow – I’ve been feeling so disgusting. Eating green tea kit kats – 6 per day? Cookies – 5 per day? Nuts – 3 dishes? I can’t even keep up. And this is all in one day. And not even just one day, I’ve had these eating habits of kit kats, cookies & nuts for the past two weeks. I just feel disgusting. I can FEEL my body get fatter, I can SEE it get fatter.
You don’t know what it feels like to stare at the mirror and hate what you see. To look at yourself, bare and all, and be disgusted at your own reflection.
I see my thighs, they’re touching, no matter how hard I tense my glutes or my thighs…they’re still touching.
I see my stomach. It’s bulging out. It’s okay, I’ll eat less tonight so when I wake up tomorrow it’ll be flat like it used to be. I wake up. It’s still bulging out. I still look pregnant. I still look ugly.
I see my face. Maybe if I stick my neck out my double chin won’t show. No, who am I kidding, I can’t talk to people like this. I resume back to my normal stance. Yep, the double chin is still there. Maybe at this angle- no, it’s still there.
I see my butt. Stretch marks all over. As if I had a nasty itch and crazy sharp claws and I just scratched my entire ass. Except I can see the increasing number of stretchmarks. Now there are at least 20 scattered around my butt. I hate it. I hate it so much.
I place my weight toward one hip. The rolls of fat begin. Why is this so uncomfortable? It looks horrible. It FEELS horrible. I didn’t used to be like this. What happened?
I always say okay, I will exercise and eat healthy. But I always fail. There’s always one slip-up. Then two. Three. Four. And soon I can’t keep count.
I’ve tried diets. They don’t work. Even just eating healthy, that doesn’t work for me either. ‘The key is to find recipes which you’ll like and are healthy as well’. No. Doesn’t work. Binge Eating Disorder, thanks a lot.